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I was given the challenge of being Bernardo's girlfriend. Imagine - me, who was raped almost every weekend for several eyars by my own father, being attracted to the ultimate mother-fucker of all time, forgive me my nasty tongue. And yet - and yet. Bernardo required someone like me. Someone who could take on his challenge, play his chess - and even imagine that I'd out-smart him, out-move him, out-live him.


For those of you who haven't read the book, I won't spoil the ending. But I will say that my work is not done. This story is vastly more complex than a quick read through might seem. Because John has been living with all of us in this book for so long, there's no way any of us can be anything but complex, especially when given the backgrounds we carry.


I know I'm not the main female lead in this story. I know John is more interested in Mahalena than me, because the main male character is. I do give it my all to seduce him. I dare the director to film the boat scene where I smoke grass and, well, just blow the whole story with my wicked ways. Several times John took that scene out or watered it down to mediocracy - but in the end he lets me have my way.


The strange thing about this story of course is Bernardo - because he comes across in so many different ways. Please understand that that's what my relationship with him was - a constantly changing mirage of radically sound logic and suddenly entirely irrational emotions. I admit that early on, at Stanford and elsewhere, I was played by him magnificently. He took me to such radical places sexually, and equally in his genius mind he stimulated me like crazy. I thought I could equal him - but as you'll see, something quite unexpected ended all that.


I'm personally looking mostly foreward. I feel I haven't yet been given the chance to show what I can really do. Perhaps all along I was playing Bernardo, not him me. After all, look how it ends up!  




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