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It's a logical mistake to think that I'm any kind of representation of the author of Google Beta 3, because I'm not - quite. Way back in his 20's John tried to do autobiographical stories, but they never quire worked because he was still struggling with his own motivations and hungers and paranoias and so forth. How was his autobiographical character to leap forth into the new, when hindered by a whole list of mostly family-induced contractions and inhibitions and distortions and all the rest?


People say that there's a way in which Jack Hadley is the least-developed character in Google Beta 3. If so, this is because the author of the novel is indeed still working some of his kinks through. And those particular elements of his personality likewise remain somewhat vague and out of focus in my own Jack-experiences in the story.


I personally find this less-than-hero quality attractive in a character, so I guess I'm proud to be a questionable mess of a hero in this novel. After all, the story is all about a male character doing his best to realize and transform his traditional male programmings, in order to more fully tap ihis inherent feminine powers and graces. That might sound shmultzey but it's what we humans are challenged to achieve if we want to continue ... and so somebody quite flawed like me has got to be the hero of this story, for it to be realistic and point in positive directions.


During the early phases of this story's evolution, I personally didn't know what was going to happen to me if I went ahead and participated in the drama. EVen right in the middle, I was sometimes on the verge of failing my creator - for instance I almost gave into impulse and shifted my sexual attentions over toward Ursula on that fated day toward the end of the book. I reached several points where I 'd simply had it with Mahee's flow. Ursula and I had more in common, we were both in need - but Mahalena's presence had somehow rooted way  deep inside me to where my heart and soul just kept on stuffing my penis and my ego down and away.


I'm not a natural-born killer but when somebody (guess who) killed my own father, I was compulsively driven to find that person. What drives me in this story beyond my passion for Mahalena is my passion to somehow alter and deny and transform history by going and killing the man who went and killed my dad.


Then Mahee comes into my life with the exact opposite influence - and the real story explodes in our faces. My only regret is that John didn't feel it right and proper and correct and acceptable to delve more deeply into what went on between Mahee and me at overt sexual levels where we were both laid truly bare and challenged. But then, that's what you've got your imagination for ...


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